Sup, I'm Stormy. Or Nathan. S'my real name right there.
I'm a really huge fucking nerd. And well, I don't mind too much. It's fun. I like mecha animus, yes. And vidya games, but it is the internet, who doesn't!
Stormy Reviews The Dangerous Days of Daniel Xposted Nov 19th 2009, 6:08PM
Mood:
Oh, this book. I just wanted to review something bad since I'm bored.
So here it is!
I'd do a regular review, but since a book is only plot and story and stuff, I can make a big old section just for that.
The book starts out with something James Patterson loves for his thriller books.
A big preview page about how everything is DANGEROUS and FAST and WEIRD LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE, SERIOUSLY.
It gives us this little passage.
"To those of you who feel that you've heard enough, let me say I'm sorry I had to give you a glimpse of what's really out there, and would you please close the cover of this book down tightly on your way out.
"Now the rest of you, I need you to do three important things.
1. Take a deep, deep breath.
2. Disregard everything anyone has ever told you about life on earth.
3. Turn the page."
UH-OH, SHIT'S GONNA GET REAL!!!
The prologue starts out with a toddler named Daniel, like three years old. We get to see him making the Lighthouse of Alexandria, making a tick dance, and talking like a regular person. "But wait!" You say, "Three-year-olds can't do that! They're like babies!" Ah, but you don't know about the powers of this young boy! He's special!
No, I'm serious. All that happens.
But then, something actually relevant happens! A big alien praying mantis called The Prayer comes into his house! And he threatens Daniel's parents, asking for "The List". So, since he's so dastardly and evil, he kills them. Long story short, Daniel gets the list back, and uses it to kill all the aliens on that list, since apparently it's a galactic "FBI's Most Wanted" list. And on the top of the list is The Prayer, the evil alien that killed his parents!
But anyway, on to the actual story. Daniel's all grown up now, fighting against something "Part man, part jellyfish, and part chainsaw," which admittedly sounds sort of awesome. And he beats it, yay.
But then the rub comes in, when Daniel takes the time to use a whole chapter (Three pages in a James Patterson book) to explain all his powers. I'm serious. I've been on the internet for a while, and I haven't seen anything this bad.
Let's list off his powers!
1. He's super fast! To quote:
"I've caught birds. Not slowpokes like chickens either. I plucked a passing sparrow out of the air -gently- just to see if I could."
2. He's super strong!
3. He can hypnotize people
4. He "knows things".
5. He can play omg music in his head "like an iPod" and store everything in his memory.
6. He can shape-shift.
7. He can create things instantly.
Like people. And not just any people, he can recreate his goddamned parents. SERIOUSLY, WHAT'S THE POINT OF THEM DYING, IF WE'RE JUST GONNA SEE THEM FOR THE REST OF THE BOOK FIFTEEN PAGES LATER?! And he makes friends for himself, who are pretty much all under-developed characters and really boring trope abusers.
1. A big, dumb guy named Willy, who's "fearless, loyal to a fault, and all heart."
2. A zippy guy named Joe-Joe, who's "...messy, an athlete at nothing but competitive eating, and the most sarcastic, funniest motormouth I know."
3. An environmentalist loli named Emma who "...loves two things: The planet Earth and all its animals, even the insects."
And then we have 4. Dana. UGHHHH. You don't need to know anything about her other than LOVE INTEREST LOVE INTEREST WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!
So they have wacky adventures, and fight crime together, not developing personalities or any actual likability throughout.
Then some big alien plot device named Ergent Seth comes in, and he's honestly the only character I like. His stuck-upness, his magnificence, and his wit are refreshing, and I like that. Too bad he's the villain, and #6 on Daniel's plot list. So he dies later, in a way that can be described as a "dick move", but still. Seemed like a waste.
But anyway, I haven't really reviewed much. The thing is, this book isn't good. It's a big storm of pop culture references, lazy characterization, boring action/thriller scenes, and pop culture references.
It goes on quickly enough, but that's because James Patterson writes in really short chapters and isn't usually very bad of an author. But he should really try to stay away from the Young Adult section, because honestly they come out badly.
It's just not his bag.
It could have turned out better if it wasn't so lazily hashed together. Because he does have some interesting ideas, it's just that when he tries to do these books, he gets mary sue characters, forced dialog, and not very interesting scenes.
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